Don’t think you need to train your vampire? Well, you do. So many of my twitter followers are infatuated with vampires. Each one writes the definitive tale of the undead, featuring lust, blood, snarling, fangs, dark heritage, love, and black mist. I’ve read far too many of them, enjoyed them all, and admittedly, have become obsessed with the undead.
Instead of completing my own work, it seems that I spend far too much time reading the paranormal writings of my tweeps. I forgot, you really don’t think your subject is about the undead. Your writing is so realistic, that I believe that you believe your vampires are alive.
So, just for you, here is the short list of dos and don’ts for your dead-yet-not-dead creations. I’ve kept the list short and simple, helping you to ease them into a state of acceptance from the general populace.
1. Feed your vampire before it leaves home. No one, and I mean no one (not even you) wants to become vampire fodder.
2. Vampires, unlike zombies, are a picky lot. As specific blood scents and flavors (sweet or savory) appeal to different vampires, beware the fidgety lamia. This is a sure sign that it is about to bolt for lunch or dinner.
3. Teaching by example is the best way to train your vampire. Be neat. If you are a slob, it will be sloppy with a capital S. Do you really want a trail of carnage lying around?
4. Most vampires are, in fact, well-to-do. The vampire is, by longevity, a master of the art of acquiring money. You will do well to have it contain the natural propensity for opulence so as not to attract unwanted attention. In other words, have it leave the Rolex at home.
5. Pay no attention what-so-ever to The Vampire Diaries or The Originals. Vampires do not like to drive, even if it is a red, 1963 Porsche 356B Karmann Coupe à la Stefan Salvatore.
6. Name your vampire. Never, ever introduce it as “my friend”. It is not your friend. It is your fiend.
7. Do not, under any circumstances, take your vampire shopping at Costco or any other warehouse club. All of those warm bodies in one place will send it into a feeding frenzy.
8. Forgot to replenish the blood supply? In a pinch, vampires will drink whiskey. Although they prefer blood, a good single malt (e.g., Four Roses) will satiate it.
9. Because crosses and / or garlic do nothing to repel a vampire, train it not to devour the poor human thrusting either of those two objects into its face.
10. Be very, very afraid if your vampire opens a Facebook account. This is a sure sign that many, many people are about to disappear. Twitter is the safer, wiser choice for your vampire’s social media presence. The vampire # will thank you.
If your incubus requires additional training, be sure to refer to the full guide, “How To Train Your Vampire in 25 Steps or Less,” coming soon from this writer.